


Fire in Ice

by TamChronin



Category: Cardcaptor Sakura
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-05-19
Updated: 2003-05-19
Packaged: 2019-06-11 20:31:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15323724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamChronin/pseuds/TamChronin
Summary: Yue wakes up in the middle of the night with a broken heart and restless soul. What does Touya say to bring peace to this tortured bishounen?





	Fire in Ice

Part of me slept, resting comfortably in a warm embrace that would assuredly never let go if given the choice.  He wouldn't dream of letting go.  The part of me that was sleeping was more important to him than anything in the world, and that was something he had demonstrated to me beyond doubt.

I was painfully aware, wide awake and being held in a way that made me want to scream at the injustice of it all.  I didn't want to be held like this.  Not by him.  Not by anyone alive.  The one whose arms I wanted to be in was centuries beyond my reach, long since dead and moved on.  His legacy remained, his magic, his soul, his creations...and his lover, me.  Everything remained, but he did not.  While my Seeming felt his lover's warm arms, I felt a cold emptiness that could never be filled again.

I slipped from my Seeming, using the magic of the change to slip unnoticed from the bed.  The cool night air embraced me, reminding me to let go of the fiery passion I had burned with before.  That would only consume me.  I had tasted the heat of love, I had glowed with the warmth of my love's strength, I had burned with desire beneath his skillful hands, and it had nearly killed me when he died.  I wanted to be like ice now.  Untouched, frozen, and unyielding instead of flickering with every breath.  I couldn't imagine a way it would be more painful than his loss had been.

But...I was not so separate from my Seeming that I thought it would be easy.

I turned and looked again at his face, so restful in repose, and felt conflict well within me.  I wanted to stay by his side and watch over him while he slept.  I wanted to slip back into the bed and claim him for my own.  I wanted to run away so far and so fast that I would never find him again, never risk my heart again.  Some day this boy would die, and that would destroy the happy fog my Seeming wandered through.  Some day they would all die, just like my love had died, and I would be alone again.

I didn't run, but I did turn away.  I had to leave this room and abandon images that sprung to me, unbidden, from the memory of my other self.  I carefully opened the door, gliding from the room without a whisper of sound, and closed the door with a soft click.  If that was enough to wake him, it was more than I could help.  I put those thoughts behind me as I drifted down the hall.  Behind me was _her_ room, the child mistress of the cards and the little sister of my love.

_My love?_

I swallowed hard, trying to banish the pain that thought had caused.  I shoved it aside, blamed it on looking through the eyes of my Seeming too often, and hurried down the stairs.  I slipped outside, into the back yard where a tall tree stood.  I leaned against the rough bark, hearing it scrape against my clothes as I settled to the ground.  I allowed my toes to simply enjoy the sensation of having the grass tickle against them.  There was a touch of dew on the grass as well, chilling my feet slightly.  I closed my eyes with a sigh and concentrated on the sensation.  I didn't usually let my feet touch the ground, so any sensation other than air was one to be savored.

It wasn't entirely comfortable.  The dew was making the blades of grass stick to my feet and itch slightly.  I used the slightest push of magic to remedy that, but not before enjoying the sensation to its fullest.  It was a delicious feeling.  My lips began to pull up at the corners against my will, forming a smile as I plunged my toes deeper into the grass.    Beneath the growing, freshly cut level was another world almost, where the dead grass was softer and the stems were harder, creating an interesting mix of sensation against my questing toes.

Beneath that was earth, damp but not muddy, and radiating a moist warmth.  Beyond the physical sensations were magical auras buried beneath me, life teeming in the yard in a beautiful harmony.  I opened that sense as well now, feeling the glow of life upon the landscape of my mind.  That was the only reason I knew he was there, standing almost directly in front of me.

It took willpower to keep from startling when I realized how close he had gotten without my being aware of it.  My heart pounded rapidly, but I concentrated on keeping my breath slow and even.  Only when I was certain of my self-control did I open my eyes and meet his dark gaze.  He was leaning over me, one hand pressed against the trunk of the tree, his arm almost touching my shoulder.

He had done this to my Seeming once, pinning my other self against a tree at school before Yukito had known of my presence.  That moment had been frightening and intense as he looked directly into my eyes and I knew he saw me beneath the façade.  "I don't want you to disappear."

That was just memory, said to my Seeming and not to me.  He hadn't understood back then, he had only known that his best friend was at risk.  He didn't know yet what he'd have to give up to save his friend's life.  I found myself unable to meet his eyes as that memory descended upon me.  I could never have asked him to do what he did.  I could never have asked anyone.  I would rather have died.

"Yue?"

I looked up again, shutting out thoughts of the past.  I simply looked at him, waiting for him to say what he had to say.  He was looking at me, examining my face as if he were memorizing and analyzing every detail.  I kept my expression impassive, but within I was a mass of conflicting emotions.  I could not flee without compromising my dignity, but I couldn't stay there without risking--

"What do you want?" I finally asked, losing this little contest of wills.

"Are you okay?"

I blinked, giving away my surprise.  It was completely unexpected.  "Why do you ask?"

His eyes flashed and his mouth turned down at the corners, showing his irritation without reservation.  "Are we going to sit here and exchange questions all night?"

"What if we do?"  I was being stubborn now, wondering if he was making fun of me with his question.  Behind the irritation was a sparkle in his eye that could have been inspired by his quirky humor.

Or it could have been something else.

"Then I'd have to stop you," he answered, leaning forward even closer.  "Now, are you going to answer me?"

I wanted to, but I had lost track of which question he might want me to answer.  His proximity, coupled with my emotional state of mind, had derailed me.  "What was the question?" I breathed, trying not to reveal how much the situation now amused me.

"Wrong answer," he said, now close enough that I could feel him breathing against my skin.  I knew what he was going to do, but my back was completely pressed against the tree.  It was foolish, but I didn't even think about ducking to the side until his lips were already pressed against mine and I stared in wide-eyed shock at what was happening.

He was kissing me.  It felt both alien and familiar at the same time.  I had felt those kisses countless times while hidden within my Seeming, but the only person who had touched my lips, ever, was Clow Reed.  My master.  My creator.  My only love, my only lover.

I was elated and enraptured by the sensation, but I was also terrified and hurt.  It was a painful reminder of what had been and what would never be again, but it felt so right.  I couldn't control the scary mix of intense emotions that enflamed me now.  My eyes closed and I hummed a moan against his lips.  He pulled back, a mix of shock and delight showing in his eyes and upon the slight twist to his lips.  It was the most beautiful expression I had ever seen on him.

"I thought you were sated," the teasing words slipped out before I could stop them.  This is how I had been around Clow, not--  "I should return Yukito to you."

"No, please.  Stay.  I promise to behave."

I took a breath, opening my mouth again without thinking, about to protest his promise to behave, but I stopped myself and just nodded instead.  I didn't want to return to my Seeming just yet anyway.  I was suddenly enjoying this night more than any night I could remember.

When I nodded my hair fell gently into my face, a default position I rarely corrected.  As long as I could see I didn't mind at all that half of my face was hidden.  I didn't think about it at all, but it was almost like a shield against the world.  I only realized it when Touya now brushed my hair aside and I felt incredibly vulnerable and exposed.  "To-ya?"  His name slipped out the same way Yukito would say it before I could think.  I couldn't take it back, but I pulled myself up straighter and frowned.  "That's not behaving yourself," I said, taking my escape to the side where his arm wasn't holding me in place.

I now levitated, holding myself high enough that our eyes were even.  I extended my wings as well, needing to without fully understanding why.  It just made me feel safer somehow.  Touya had a secretive smile though, as if he understood something I didn't.  My wings rippled with my irritation, but that seemed to only increase his amusement with my actions.

"No need to get defensive."

Was that what I was doing?  Maybe it was....

I couldn't admit that though.  "I'm not."

He wore a tolerant grin and stepped forward.  I found myself backing up.

"I rest my case," he said, turning back toward the house for a moment.  "I would like to talk to you though.  Will you come back inside?"

My wings fluttered of their own volition once again, then I dismissed the betraying appendages.  Clow had once said that my wings betrayed emotions my face never did, but I had never given serious consideration to that, nor thought that Touya would be able to tell.  I didn't lower myself to the ground though.  I stood with my arms crossed over my chest, wondering if it was safe to follow him back indoors.

What kind of a thought was that?  Why wouldn't it be safe?  What was I afraid of?  He couldn't hurt me.

I nodded, and we both returned to his room in silence.  He turned on a small lamp, shedding a minimum of light in the room.  It was just enough illumination to have a conversation by.  I sat carefully on the floor, shunning the intimacy of the bed.  Yukito wouldn't have hesitated an instant to sit next to Touya on the bed, but I was not in my Seeming.  I was in the confines of his room while in my natural form.

"Now, that question you never answered earlier.  Are you okay?"

I frowned, turning my attention to the window for a moment.  I still didn't understand why he would ask me that.  "Of course I am.  Why wouldn't I be?"

The frown that appeared on his face said it all.  "You left.  One minute I was holding Yuki, and the next you were leaving.  I wanted to see why.  I wanted to know if I had done something wrong."

How could I answer him?

"You haven't done anything wrong," I said slowly, unable to meet his eyes.  "I couldn't take it a moment more though."

Why had I added that?  I should be keeping it all deep within myself where no one could see.  I wanted to be alone, didn't I?  Alone, I would not be hurt again.

"You loved him very much, didn't you?"  As always, his words cut to the heart of the matter.  It was terrifying how perceptive this young human could be, even without magic.

I frowned, hugging my legs against me and resting my head in my knees.  "Of course I loved him.  He was my master and creator." 

"Then why do you look so heartbroken all the time, but Sakura's other guardian seems so cheerful?  I've spoken to Keroberus only a handful of times now, but he isn't pining away over Clow Reed like you do."

"All he cares about is having someone to feed him pudding," I stated dismissively.

He kneeled in front of me, leaning closer to stare in my eyes.  "You know that's not true."

I shot him a small glare, but he was right.  I knew better.  "Clow and I were lovers," I finally said.  It came out defensive, as if I were daring him to pass judgment on either of us for that, but it was really the only way I could admit it.  It still hurt too much to think about, let alone speak of.  I was using one emotion to disguise another.

Somehow, Touya knew that.  He nodded, placing a hand over mine.  "It hurts you when I kiss Yukito?"

I opened my mouth, but hesitated over the words.  "Don't stop kissing him."

Again, it was said without thought, betraying the control I usually kept myself under.  He smiled, and I cursed myself for the vulnerability I had just shown.  I might as well have told him to not stop kissing me, and he was obviously aware of the implications.  I looked away again, wishing I could just take it back.

His hand moved from my hand to reach for my face and I flinched away.  I didn't know what I was doing anymore.  I started to rationalize it as a byproduct of being too aware of my Seeming when I assumed that form, but it wasn't entirely true.  There was something about this mortal, about his selfless sacrifice and his kind face that made me want to melt into him and risk the pain just for a night in his arms as myself.

It was too hard though.  I looked at him and couldn't hold back the wish that this was Clow.  This boy was so darkly intense it was almost terrifying.  Clow had been so kind, and gentle, and he always had that maddening smile.  He was playful and--he wasn't anything like Touya.

Maybe that was a good thing.

"It's okay to hurt, Yue.  It's okay to be scared.  At some point though, you need to give yourself permission to not hurt as well.  You don't need to feel guilty about being happy or forgetting the pain for a while."

He spoke as if he knew what he was talking about, and I stared at him in disbelief.  I didn't have a clue what to say about that, but I wanted to believe him so bad.  We were silent for a long time before I finally asked, "How do you know?"

"It's not something anyone could ever tell me," he explained, inching closer.  "But it's something I've learned from everyone.  My mother taught me first when she smiled as she made presents for the family that never spoke to us.  When Mother died, Father showed me that it was okay to accept death and keep living.  I didn't want to believe him though for a very long time, so someone else had to point that out to me.  Kaho taught me a lot of things, but not with words so much as subtly encouraged life lessons.  Then she left and I hurt all over again."  He paused for a minute, sitting next to me now and reaching an arm around my shoulders.  It was so easy to just let him, then to rest my head against him.  "My final teacher came into my life shortly after that, smiling at me and dragging me out of my self-imposed emotional prison.  No matter what I said, no matter what I did, he was smiling, and he wouldn't be chased away by brooding silences.  He taught me that no matter what was going on in life, there was always something to smile about.  It drove me insane at first, but after a while I learned that it was okay to feel what I felt, and still let myself feel good sometimes too."

What he said made me want to cry.  How could he get that from that time when I dreamed and assumed my Seeming?  How could he be telling me things he claimed my own false form had taught him?  I shook my head.  "It wasn't real, it was all just part of a mask."

"You're wrong.  Yukito is as real as I am, as real as you are, and as real as Clow was.  Where he came from doesn't matter.  When I see you, I see why he is the way he is, and the two of you are the same in many ways...but he's also himself.  He's part of you, yes, and I'll never deny it, but that doesn't make the things he's taught me a lie."

"Touya, I--"

He placed a finger over my lips and shushed me.  "It's okay, my angel."

I gasped.  Clow had always called me his angel.  It hurt to hear someone else say that now.  But...it also felt good.  It gave me a sense of belonging that I had missed since I had awakened alone.  It warmed me, melting away the frozen lump of anguish I had so treasured at my core.  I didn't want to be alone.  I wanted to be with my Touya.

He held me close and I felt it all begin to come out at last.  Like a poison being purged from my system the tears began to leak down my face, released as I finally accepted what had happened.  Clow was gone.  I'd never have him again.  Even his reincarnations, both of them, would never replace what I had lost.  Those days were all gone and would never be revisited.

I missed him so much.

My chest burned as I refused the urge to sob.  Touya just held me close, fingers playing through my hair, stroking me reassuringly as I buried my face into his shirt.  I kept my breath deep and steady, even as I cried harder than I had ever let myself.  It produced a strange lethargy that began to lull me to sleep in his arms.  I was safe here.  I was protected.  I was loved.

With the last of my waking energy I looked up at him with a new calm.  He was fast asleep, sitting on the floor with his back propped against the wall.  He was so beautiful like that.  My Touya....

My To-ya....

"You fell asleep again, before I could thank you," I murmured sleepily.  "This time I must..." I trailed off with a yawn.  "Remember...."

I couldn't keep my eyes open any more.  With the last of my energy I relinquished my form to that of my Seeming, and for the second time that night Yukito slept blissfully in his lover's arms.

~~~~~@~~~~~

Yukito was shocked to find himself on the floor, but thankful that he was still being held by his To-ya.  He looked up sleepily, focusing intently as his love began to slowly awaken.  Without his glasses the rest of the world almost completely fell away, so To-ya's face was his entire world.  "Ohayo, To-ya!"

"Too early," he muttered in reply, reaching for a blanket that wasn't there.  His eyes finally drifted open and he groaned when he realized where he was.  "No wonder I'm so stiff."

"Do you remember why we ended up on the floor?  Fully clothed?"

"Mmm-hmm," he nodded.

"Care to enlighten me?"

"Hmm-mmm," he denied, now shaking his head, but his lips twisted into a teasing grin.

"You can either tell me, or get tickled.  The choice is up to you."

"Okay, okay, I'll tell.  You play dirty, Yuki.  It's not fair."  They both sat up, giving in to the looming state of wakefulness that stalked people in the morning.  Touya stretched before answering.  "I talked to Yue last night."

"Was Sakura in danger?"  It was an instantaneous and instinctive worry for the girl he thought of as a little sister.

Touya shook his head calmly.  "No, I think he just needed time to sort some things out."

"So, he fell asleep in your arms last night?"  Yukito's eyes glittered with teasing amusement.

Touya nodded, starting to frown a bit.  "Yuki, I need to be honest with you.  I think I'm falling in love."

"Good!"

"I mean, with Yue."

"I didn't think you meant Sakura-chan.  That would be taking your sister complex to new and disturbing levels."

"Baka!"  He glared for a moment before catching Yukito's contagious laughter.  They shared the laughter for a bit before calming down, then Touya turned a searching look upon his boyfriend.  "You're fine with that?"

"It would be silly to be jealous of myself, wouldn't it?"  His amused grin showed exactly what he thought of that idea.  "Even if he's a part of myself I know nothing about, I don't think I could be jealous.  Are you going to stop talking to me because you're in love with him?"

"Of course not!"

"Would you stop being my friend?"

"No!"

"Will you stop loving me simply because there's a new aspect of me to love?"

"Never."

Yukito stepped closer to Touya and pulled the taller boy down to claim an impassioned kiss.  "Then why should I be upset that you're falling in love with Yue?"  He locked eyes with his lover, smiling gently up at him.  "I am happy for you."

Touya released a relieved sigh.  "Thank you," he breathed.

They held each other's gaze until they could hear Sakura's alarm going off in the room next door.  The mood was broken, and Yukito was already smiling in his mischievous manner.  "I only wish I could watch the two of you the way he watches us.  It's okay though; I think every voyeuristic part of me is wrapped up in him."

Touya blushed.

So did I, underneath it all.  It shocked me that he said that.  Still, I smiled to myself in relief.  A new chapter in my life was about to begin, and it was thanks to Touya and his wisdom.  It still hurt to think about Clow and how much I still loved him and missed him, but in the fresh light of the morning I knew I'd be able to move on with my life.

And in reward for my other half's generous nature, I contemplated granting his wish.  It would be a delightful surprise for him.  I looked forward to his reaction.

Then they kissed again, and I simply enjoyed the kiss as it happened.  No pain, no regret.  It was love.  How could that be wrong?


End file.
